Options for care of the dead human body have never been more diverse, with the full body being reduced and reshaped in new ways. With these changes and contemporary physical forms- are we replacing the person with the thing? Are we considering the big picture in our plans? Whether kept in a full-sized urn or in an alternative fashion, how do we ensure a loved one does not end up on a shelf in a thrift store?
During the arrangement conference, when discussing options like cremation for example, the language often changes. A subtle shift occurs, and the conversation swaps nouns. The identity of the person (relationship, name) is replaced with the object that will house the body (or portions of the body). It becomes a matter of what instead of who, which feels more comfortable to most. This transition can be unconscious and is not necessarily a bad thing, as it makes hard things easier to discuss in the moment. This mental shift can insert distance, which can allow decisions to be made. One last decision to be considered but that we often leave out is the care of these items/portions when their caretaker dies. This can be a very unpleasant thought during a loss, but one with considerable implications if left ignored.
One of the difficult tasks a family encounters is the determination of what they want to do with the body itself. Experiences can be coordinated to honor the individual now absent. Timing and customization can be explored in an almost leisurely fashion, but for the presence of the physical remains. The discussion is almost always backwards however- we inquire about wishes for disposition and allow that to steer the ship. In doing that the body can be mentally positioned as a burden. The final disposition is selected and unless it is burial, with its suggested permanence, container conversations evolve. Who will pick up “the urn”? Do they want “keepsake items”? Portions are sometimes separated from the body’s reduced bulk and distributed in the form of small urns, jewelry, stones, blown glass (or other sentimental items I may have omitted inadvertently). I appreciate these options, having some within my own home. These choices are certainly lovely to have, but there is an additional decision that is often not discussed: what to do with the urn/items when the current caretaker of them dies. As family ties stretch, generational connections can weaken over time. Inheriting the remains of a person not particularly close to you can be a confusing and sometimes obligatory experience.
In noticing this potential future pitfall, here are a few suggestions:
· Suppliers can include complementary material that explores this topic with the sale of their product. There can be forms, suggested steps to take, and more provided to the purchaser for their consideration and long-term planning. Labeling that ensures discernment between décor and what were once remains should be incorporated if not already. (Years ago, Artful Ashes did an excellent job of that with my blown glass memorial product, etching a name and ID # on the underside of the item.)
· The funeral service practitioner can introduce this topic as part of the arrangement conference or aftercare follow-up. Having a familiarity with local options as well as the bigger picture (An eligible veteran can be placed in a VA Cemetery at any time following death) adds value to the guidance you provide. Making yourself and/or organization a steadfast source of support in the many days ahead will bring comfort when they are ready to consider this subject. This may be one of those things the firm has to develop themselves, as part of the educational expectations our communities have for us. It is our responsibility to be their guide in all things relating to the care of their dead, and providing a shining light into the darkness is our duty.
· Encourage families to discuss this. My relatives are aware of the location and appearance of the tiny keepsake urn that I presently have, that houses a small amount of my grandmother’s cremated remains. I will place the portion in her gravesite with her when I return to the U.S. Until then their proximity comforts me. If something were to happen to me in the interim, the existence and disposition of the tiny urn is known in both verbal and written form. From my own experience I know these can be challenging but necessary topics. (While my husband is not excited when I initiate these types of conversations, they still happen.)
Ideally the funeral home and suppliers could work together to provide supplemental materials. Consumer groups could also incorporate this subject into the information they provide to the public.
There are many ways this seed of thought can be planted. It is an essential duty we must undertake as part of the care we provide.
コメント